Well I have the new site up...It doesn't look great, but I am hoping to make it better. I'm not a computer person and this blog thing is frustrating. I will work on making it better, but I wanted to go ahead and put it up, so I can start writing...So here ya go...Our new home is:
www.lifeafterbeck.blogspot.com
Enjoy!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Change of Address
So I have decided to create a new webpage dedicated to life after beck...I want to keep his page the way it is and start a new one with our life now! I might even move some posts from this page to the new site. I am working on it and hope to have it up and running soon. I have a lot to write about and some news that will have to wait until I get the new site up (No I'm not pregnant). Until then...
Monday, September 14, 2009
Beck's Ashes
As some of you know, we love to travel and have decided to spread a little bit of Beck's ashes everytime we take a trip somewhere. I love the fact that we can remember Beck in our own special way and that he will have been all over the world with us when it's all said and done.
So the first place I took Beck was to Africa. I only took about a teaspoon of his ashes with me and carried them around in this tiny Bare Essentails make-up container (I know really nice!). I wasn't sure when or where I would spread them, but knew when the time was right that I would know.
We were in the Masa Mara game reserve on our safari and I woke up before sunrise at our hotel. It sat on this hill that overlooked the entire park...It was truly the most amazing hotel ever! Aleida, one of my best friends, woke up with me and we walked up and around the side of the hotel onto this bluff. As soon as I got to the top, I knew this would be the place. She and I sat there and watched as the sun started to slowly creep up. We saw hot air balloons rising, heard the animals in the distance and the view was absolutely breathtaking!
On this bluff there was a tree with a hole at the base of it and it sat perched magnificantly over the reserve. I took his ashes and put them into the hole of the tree and I swear at that exact moment, I felt the wind pick up. It had happened once before at his service when we were all singing "I'll Fly Away."
Every time I am outside and feel the wind or am quiet for a moment I feel at peace I really do feel Beck's presence all around me. I love that part of him is in this tree and I hope to visit it again some day...It is such an amazing experience to feel so close to him in the most beautiful and serene places!
Sunrise....
Beck's tree...
This picure says it all!!!
So the first place I took Beck was to Africa. I only took about a teaspoon of his ashes with me and carried them around in this tiny Bare Essentails make-up container (I know really nice!). I wasn't sure when or where I would spread them, but knew when the time was right that I would know.
We were in the Masa Mara game reserve on our safari and I woke up before sunrise at our hotel. It sat on this hill that overlooked the entire park...It was truly the most amazing hotel ever! Aleida, one of my best friends, woke up with me and we walked up and around the side of the hotel onto this bluff. As soon as I got to the top, I knew this would be the place. She and I sat there and watched as the sun started to slowly creep up. We saw hot air balloons rising, heard the animals in the distance and the view was absolutely breathtaking!
On this bluff there was a tree with a hole at the base of it and it sat perched magnificantly over the reserve. I took his ashes and put them into the hole of the tree and I swear at that exact moment, I felt the wind pick up. It had happened once before at his service when we were all singing "I'll Fly Away."
Every time I am outside and feel the wind or am quiet for a moment I feel at peace I really do feel Beck's presence all around me. I love that part of him is in this tree and I hope to visit it again some day...It is such an amazing experience to feel so close to him in the most beautiful and serene places!
Sunrise....
Beck's tree...
This picure says it all!!!
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
I love Bev....
One of my most favorite people in the world...Bev, one of the nurses/counselors in the NICU, sent this to me last week. I love her and she always knows what to say. I just had to post this.
Hey Lindsey,
Just thinking of you...
.I know that you are struggling at this point and that is so normal at this point. You are on an incredible journey.. A journey that will take you through many peaks and valleys. Give yourself permission and time to truly grieve and mourn. There is no rush.You are suppose to feel bad, you no longer have your precious and scrumptious :) I might add little boy :).
.I know that you are struggling at this point and that is so normal at this point. You are on an incredible journey.. A journey that will take you through many peaks and valleys. Give yourself permission and time to truly grieve and mourn. There is no rush.You are suppose to feel bad, you no longer have your precious and scrumptious :) I might add little boy :).They say that there is no grief like that of loosing a child. You take it day by day, sometimes minute by minute, second by second. You just feel the way you feel without explanation. You remember him, you talk about him, you talk to him....you love him...Try not to attempt to go back to feeling how you felt before all of this happened...Your life is forever changed because of Beck. You can have a normal life again, but it will be a "new normal" Beck will always be your little boy, your first born, you will always be his mommy.....You and Forrest gave him so much love... in his brief life, what a gift. Your heart is broken and it will heal...feeling the pain of this is part of the healing..... I pray God's comfort and peace over you.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Ok...This is hard and other things that have made me cry.
Ok, so I am trying to be more honest with the way I feel and not try to pretend like everything is ok and that I am doing fine...So honestly I want to say that this whole thing freaking sucks. I want Beck back so bad and I know that is impossible and I think I am realizing this and it's so hard. So I decided to write things down that have been hard for me over the last weeks, hoping to make myself feel somewhat better, so here I go. Number 1 might be why I am writing this email in the first place, but who really knows...
1. It has been almost 3 months since Beck passed away and thinking that I am doing pretty good, I decided to stop my Zoloft to see where I'm at...I'm still trying to decide if this was a good or a bad thing. I know in the long run, it was the right thing to do, but it still doesn't take away from the fact, that I'm not as good as I thought. Being on something like that made me feel really good...I was sad, but I felt OK with a lot of things going on in my life and that I was for the most part in a good place. Well after everything wore off, I am finding that I'm no exactly where I thought I was emotionally. I have been crying almost everyday and things that I shut off or ignored are now surfacing. Not that I can't get out of bed and function, but I am crying a lot more...Which I know is healthy and if I don't get these emotions out, it will eventually bite me in the butt later.
2. I am in an angry phase right now...pregnant women, babies, families all are hard for me to see. I am mad that Beck is not here, that I can't hold him when I want to, that he will never grow up and that we might not be able to have kids on our own.
3. I had my first dream about Beck last night and it was hard waking up from it this morning. In my dream, Beck was about 7 months old, crawling and just got his hearing aides. I had set him down on the ground, a dog walked up with his tags clanking and Beck turned his head because he heard the dog. It was a short dream, but hit me really hard and have been crying all morning...I miss him like crazy!!!
4. I am trying to be more honest to other people as well...Ever since Beck was born, I have been told "Wow, you guys are so strong!" "you are incredible and are doing so great!", "You are so lucky to have had 3 months with him!" All of this is good to hear, but I think I have let it become a part of me in that people perceive me a being a lot better and stronger than I really feel right now...So when I do break down, it has been catching some people off guard and I feel like it is hard for them to handle. They have been seeing me as "OK" and "moving on" and that is not necessarily the case all the time.
4. Friday was my sister's birthday and I was getting a bag from our bin of used wrapping paper and in the bag, I found a card from a friend. It said "Beck welcome to this world! I am so happy to know you!" I just lost it, in a way it sums up a lot, but reminds me that he was here and now he's not. I feel so blessed to have known him for the short time, but I am so sad!
There have been such a flood of emotions lately, that I never know what kind will hit me next. One minute I'm OK with everything and the next I think of something and I am bawling like a baby. It has been all the little things that have brought out such big emotions. I know these will never truly go away and that it is something I need to accept, but I guess that comes with healing a time.
1. It has been almost 3 months since Beck passed away and thinking that I am doing pretty good, I decided to stop my Zoloft to see where I'm at...I'm still trying to decide if this was a good or a bad thing. I know in the long run, it was the right thing to do, but it still doesn't take away from the fact, that I'm not as good as I thought. Being on something like that made me feel really good...I was sad, but I felt OK with a lot of things going on in my life and that I was for the most part in a good place. Well after everything wore off, I am finding that I'm no exactly where I thought I was emotionally. I have been crying almost everyday and things that I shut off or ignored are now surfacing. Not that I can't get out of bed and function, but I am crying a lot more...Which I know is healthy and if I don't get these emotions out, it will eventually bite me in the butt later.
2. I am in an angry phase right now...pregnant women, babies, families all are hard for me to see. I am mad that Beck is not here, that I can't hold him when I want to, that he will never grow up and that we might not be able to have kids on our own.
3. I had my first dream about Beck last night and it was hard waking up from it this morning. In my dream, Beck was about 7 months old, crawling and just got his hearing aides. I had set him down on the ground, a dog walked up with his tags clanking and Beck turned his head because he heard the dog. It was a short dream, but hit me really hard and have been crying all morning...I miss him like crazy!!!
4. I am trying to be more honest to other people as well...Ever since Beck was born, I have been told "Wow, you guys are so strong!" "you are incredible and are doing so great!", "You are so lucky to have had 3 months with him!" All of this is good to hear, but I think I have let it become a part of me in that people perceive me a being a lot better and stronger than I really feel right now...So when I do break down, it has been catching some people off guard and I feel like it is hard for them to handle. They have been seeing me as "OK" and "moving on" and that is not necessarily the case all the time.
4. Friday was my sister's birthday and I was getting a bag from our bin of used wrapping paper and in the bag, I found a card from a friend. It said "Beck welcome to this world! I am so happy to know you!" I just lost it, in a way it sums up a lot, but reminds me that he was here and now he's not. I feel so blessed to have known him for the short time, but I am so sad!
There have been such a flood of emotions lately, that I never know what kind will hit me next. One minute I'm OK with everything and the next I think of something and I am bawling like a baby. It has been all the little things that have brought out such big emotions. I know these will never truly go away and that it is something I need to accept, but I guess that comes with healing a time.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Finally...I'm back!
After 2 days of traveling and craziness, I finally made it back from Kenya on Tuesday afternoon! It was a crazy coming home because Kenya airways was on strike and the airline I was on, KLM, had plane problems. The combination of these two events led to me sleeping in the terminal, running to get on an earlier flight the next day, making it to Amsterdam, spending the night there and then finally making it home on Tuesday! It was a long trip home, but totally worth it!
I had such an amazing time in Kenya! Although I am still recovering, it was a much needed trip and probably the best vacation I have ever had! It was just a once in a life time experience...Becky, Aleida and I all got along great and Annie (our friend we stayed with) truly made Kenya unforgettable. I will try and post pictures of the trip tomorrow. I am still recovering from the jet lag, so sorry it has taken me so long to post something
I had such an amazing time in Kenya! Although I am still recovering, it was a much needed trip and probably the best vacation I have ever had! It was just a once in a life time experience...Becky, Aleida and I all got along great and Annie (our friend we stayed with) truly made Kenya unforgettable. I will try and post pictures of the trip tomorrow. I am still recovering from the jet lag, so sorry it has taken me so long to post something
Monday, August 10, 2009
Orphanages...
Today was a very busy day, but a great and eye opening one. We visited two orphanages...One being for baby elephants and another for babies and toddlers. The first one was at the Kenya national park and was a conservatory that takes in abandoned baby elephants due to poaching and other situations in which the mother is killed. They are only open to visitors for an hour a day, but it was so neat to hear about the different elephants and the impact this place has on their lives. The reason they don't allow too many visitors is that most of the time they are working on integrating them back into the wild and don't want them to have too much human interaction. The integration process can take up to 6-9 years to get them back into the wild. They are set up with a trainer that is assigned to each individual baby...They feed them every 3 hours, sleep with them and take care of their needs 24/7. It was a pretty incredible place and they survive solely on donations from the global public. You can adopt an elephant for $50 a year and they will send you monthly updates and pictures your elephant. I am going to do that because I really feel like it is a incredible cause. If you are interested in adopting one you can go to www.sledrickwildlifefund.com.
The next place we visited today was the New Life Home. They house babies from birth up to 3 years many of which are HIV positive or have been malnourished or abandoned by their mother. It was such an amazing place and really inspired to adopt. They gave us a tour of the facility and then we were able to hold the babies and play with the toddlers. The place is run by an English couple and many men and women who come and volunteer. The babies are so well taken care of and you can tell that the volunteers enjoy and love what they are doing. I held a couple babies one whose was named Austin...He was incredibly sweet and so cute. I held him for a long time and every time I would go to put him down he would cry because he didn't want to be put down. I got to ask a lot about the process of adopting a baby internationally and really know now that it is something I want to do whether overseas or in the states.
Before I left for Africa, Forrest and I decided that we are not going to forgo any more infertility treatments and if we get pregnant great and if not that's ok too. We have always wanted to adopt and think that it is something we want to pursue very soon...After today, I realized that there are so many children that need a good home and that Forrest and I have an amazing opportunity to impact the life of someone who might not have had otherwise. I am so thankful to have had the privilege of carrying and giving birth to Beck and if that doesn't happen again, I am ok with that.
Tomorrow we head to the Indian Ocean for 4 days, I don't think I will have Internet access so I will write more when I get back!
The next place we visited today was the New Life Home. They house babies from birth up to 3 years many of which are HIV positive or have been malnourished or abandoned by their mother. It was such an amazing place and really inspired to adopt. They gave us a tour of the facility and then we were able to hold the babies and play with the toddlers. The place is run by an English couple and many men and women who come and volunteer. The babies are so well taken care of and you can tell that the volunteers enjoy and love what they are doing. I held a couple babies one whose was named Austin...He was incredibly sweet and so cute. I held him for a long time and every time I would go to put him down he would cry because he didn't want to be put down. I got to ask a lot about the process of adopting a baby internationally and really know now that it is something I want to do whether overseas or in the states.
Before I left for Africa, Forrest and I decided that we are not going to forgo any more infertility treatments and if we get pregnant great and if not that's ok too. We have always wanted to adopt and think that it is something we want to pursue very soon...After today, I realized that there are so many children that need a good home and that Forrest and I have an amazing opportunity to impact the life of someone who might not have had otherwise. I am so thankful to have had the privilege of carrying and giving birth to Beck and if that doesn't happen again, I am ok with that.
Tomorrow we head to the Indian Ocean for 4 days, I don't think I will have Internet access so I will write more when I get back!
Last night...
Last night was HARD! I am having such a great time here and I am so thankful for that, but I broke down last night. I cried for like 2 hours which is something that I haven't done in a long time. I definitely think it was a good thing and that after crying I did feel better, but again it reminds me that I will have my moments and Beck's death was still not that long ago.
In Kenya, you don't see anybody with a disability because if a baby is born with any sort of problems, they will leave it to die. She said that if a baby has say seizures it is considered a curse and they are shunned from the family. I can't imagine the pain and heartache that would take to do that and again I am so glad that I had the time I did with Beck and wasn't forced to do a thing like that. We really are blessed to live in the country that we do and to have the opportunities such as education and health care. Although Nairobi is trying to be more western, much of Kenya is not. As we drove to the Safari we really got to see the country...People were still living in mud huts and the poverty was everywhere. We saw 5 year olds with spears herding goats, people just sitting on the side of the road out in the middle of nowhere and so many kids... I just wanted to take them and bring them home with me. Kids were everywhere and just walking alone or with a baby on their back out in the middle of nowhere and every time we drove by one, they would smile and wave...It broke my heart. It seemed like even though they had nothing, they still had a smile, which was so touching to see.
I feel so blessed to be where I am and I think that after traveling this week, I had to have a moment to breakdown! It's tough seeing things as well as being away from Forrest, friends and family. I feel so far away from everything including things that we have seen and people I have met. I am so glad that I am able to experience this once and a lifetime amazing experience!
In Kenya, you don't see anybody with a disability because if a baby is born with any sort of problems, they will leave it to die. She said that if a baby has say seizures it is considered a curse and they are shunned from the family. I can't imagine the pain and heartache that would take to do that and again I am so glad that I had the time I did with Beck and wasn't forced to do a thing like that. We really are blessed to live in the country that we do and to have the opportunities such as education and health care. Although Nairobi is trying to be more western, much of Kenya is not. As we drove to the Safari we really got to see the country...People were still living in mud huts and the poverty was everywhere. We saw 5 year olds with spears herding goats, people just sitting on the side of the road out in the middle of nowhere and so many kids... I just wanted to take them and bring them home with me. Kids were everywhere and just walking alone or with a baby on their back out in the middle of nowhere and every time we drove by one, they would smile and wave...It broke my heart. It seemed like even though they had nothing, they still had a smile, which was so touching to see.
I feel so blessed to be where I am and I think that after traveling this week, I had to have a moment to breakdown! It's tough seeing things as well as being away from Forrest, friends and family. I feel so far away from everything including things that we have seen and people I have met. I am so glad that I am able to experience this once and a lifetime amazing experience!
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Safari!!!
Wow is all I can say! The Masa Mara was amazing! If you don't know what that is, it's a game reserve that's a 6 hour drive from Nairobi. The Mara is absolutely amazing and indescribable... pictures or stories really don't capture the true magnitude of it at all. It's definitely something you have to experience yourself! Our tour guide, Moonyeo, was great and the hotels were awesome! The first hotel, Mara Serena, was my favorite. The hotel sat on a bluff that overlooked the entire mara valley and you slept in these neat pod looking rooms. At the hotel, Aleida and I took a walk at sunrise and found a tree at the very top of a hill that was perched overlooking the valley. I decided it would be the perfect spot for Beck's ashes and spread them at the base of the tree. After I put them there, I swear i felt the wind pick up...It was the most beautiful and amazing thing and reminded me that Beck is always with me. I hope to visit the spot again someday and I hope that others will feel something special while sitting up there!
I still can't believe I'm in Africa...I keep pinching myself. We were on the safari during the wildabeast migration, which is deemed the 8th wonder of the world and only happens once a year. It's where millions of wildabeast migrate through the Mara down into Tanzania. It was absolutely amazing to look out and see 10s of thousands of wildabeasts all over the plains...It truly took my breath away. We also were able to see pretty much every big animal the Mara had to offer...It was so primal and exciting. My three favorite moments were seeing a cheetah dragging his prey away right after a kill, lions mating and another lion that walked right in front of our car (crazy...Moonyeo said that was a rare thing to see).
I'm so sad I can't post pictures of any of this! When I get back to the states I will post pictures of everything so you can see it. I have been going like crazy and still have so much more to post, but I am trying to find the time to do it all, I'm sorry!!! I will try and post another entry tomorrow about our trip to an amazing glass factory that we went to yesterday. Please be patient...I will get it all on here, I promise!
I still can't believe I'm in Africa...I keep pinching myself. We were on the safari during the wildabeast migration, which is deemed the 8th wonder of the world and only happens once a year. It's where millions of wildabeast migrate through the Mara down into Tanzania. It was absolutely amazing to look out and see 10s of thousands of wildabeasts all over the plains...It truly took my breath away. We also were able to see pretty much every big animal the Mara had to offer...It was so primal and exciting. My three favorite moments were seeing a cheetah dragging his prey away right after a kill, lions mating and another lion that walked right in front of our car (crazy...Moonyeo said that was a rare thing to see).
I'm so sad I can't post pictures of any of this! When I get back to the states I will post pictures of everything so you can see it. I have been going like crazy and still have so much more to post, but I am trying to find the time to do it all, I'm sorry!!! I will try and post another entry tomorrow about our trip to an amazing glass factory that we went to yesterday. Please be patient...I will get it all on here, I promise!
Monday, August 3, 2009
Nairobi, Kenya!
Ok I know this is totally random, but I am in Nairobi Kenya right now. I bought a ticket last week and flew out her to meet up with some girlfriends. I am so excited to get away and experience something so different and amazing. I am going to try and blog as much as possible to keep everybody update of my "goings on". I had a little cry session on the plane coming over and wondered if I had made the right decision but as soon as I got off the plane, I knew I did. I am here with 2 other girls and we are staying with a college friend, Annie. Her place is phenomenal...It's huge and we each have our own room. I will be here for 16 days and I already feel SO good here!
Forrest and I decided that because we love to travel that whenever we go somewhere, we will bring a little bit of Beck's ashes with us and spread them when we feel like the time and place are right. I have some with me and I know I will find the perfect spot to let a piece of Beck fly! I love the idea that eventually Beck will be all over the world and we will have moments in some pretty incredible places to pay homage to our amazing man!
I will try and post some pictures as I go and keep everybody updated!
Forrest and I decided that because we love to travel that whenever we go somewhere, we will bring a little bit of Beck's ashes with us and spread them when we feel like the time and place are right. I have some with me and I know I will find the perfect spot to let a piece of Beck fly! I love the idea that eventually Beck will be all over the world and we will have moments in some pretty incredible places to pay homage to our amazing man!
I will try and post some pictures as I go and keep everybody updated!
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Philadelphia
So had I my first "by myself" trip this week to Philadelphia. I had to go to make up training for work. I thought it would not be a big deal and that everything would be fine, but I guess I was wrong. I was there Wednesday night through Friday morning but it felt like an entire week! When I went down that morning for the class I sat at my table and then realized that everybody sitting there was there because they were also on maternity leave (oops...didn't think that would happen). So I sat down trying to be friendly and upbeat, but that was hard to do as they started to talk about their babies. All their little ones were born around the same time as Beck and it was so hard to sit there and listen to them talk about all the problems they were having and how sleep deprived they still were...If only I had that problem, I would have given anything to have that! To top it all off, one of the women at the table had a 4 year old son name Beck...Yeah I know, how freakin' random! I think that was one of the hardest part because she would talk about how Beck loved the water and how they would take him out on the boat and that he just loved being outside. Every time she said his name it was like someone was ripping out my heart, throwing it on the ground and stomping the crap out of it, to put it mildly!
At lunch the conversations continued and I had yet to say anything about my situation. Only one girl, Leslie, knew what had happened, but no one else did. I didn't want to just say "Hey guess what, my baby died." I mean how do you just bring that up and not let it be awkward. After lunch I went up to my room and just lost it! I couldn't stop crying and wished I could just be at home where I could let myself cry and get into bed, but that wasn't going to happen because I had to be down in training. I called my boss and she had Leslie come up and sit with me. I felt so helpless and was kicking myself for even going up there so soon after Beck passed. After about an hour I was ready to go down. I told the girls at the table and they were all great about it, but it still was hard to sit at that table with a smile. I felt like I was on the verge of loosing it for the rest of the trip.
I think that Philadelphia was a big reality check for me. I thought that I was doing pretty good and I just felt like I took a step backwards. I didn't have the support of my family and friends and was in a place where nobody knew the situation and it was really hard. I know these situations will happen again and I have to learn to adjust, but I think that I am not as strong as I thought I was, and that's ok. I need to accept the fact that I will not always be "ok" and that I will have my moments of weakness. I need to learn to accept them and not always try to be strong. I now realize that I don't have to be upbeat all the time and that I need a good cry every once in a while. I think that if I don't do that, then months or years from now it will blow up in my face.
So I am working on that...feeling what I feel and allowing emotions good or bad to happen. I still think I am doing good considering, but maybe I should give myself sometime to heal before I make a trip like that again!
At lunch the conversations continued and I had yet to say anything about my situation. Only one girl, Leslie, knew what had happened, but no one else did. I didn't want to just say "Hey guess what, my baby died." I mean how do you just bring that up and not let it be awkward. After lunch I went up to my room and just lost it! I couldn't stop crying and wished I could just be at home where I could let myself cry and get into bed, but that wasn't going to happen because I had to be down in training. I called my boss and she had Leslie come up and sit with me. I felt so helpless and was kicking myself for even going up there so soon after Beck passed. After about an hour I was ready to go down. I told the girls at the table and they were all great about it, but it still was hard to sit at that table with a smile. I felt like I was on the verge of loosing it for the rest of the trip.
I think that Philadelphia was a big reality check for me. I thought that I was doing pretty good and I just felt like I took a step backwards. I didn't have the support of my family and friends and was in a place where nobody knew the situation and it was really hard. I know these situations will happen again and I have to learn to adjust, but I think that I am not as strong as I thought I was, and that's ok. I need to accept the fact that I will not always be "ok" and that I will have my moments of weakness. I need to learn to accept them and not always try to be strong. I now realize that I don't have to be upbeat all the time and that I need a good cry every once in a while. I think that if I don't do that, then months or years from now it will blow up in my face.
So I am working on that...feeling what I feel and allowing emotions good or bad to happen. I still think I am doing good considering, but maybe I should give myself sometime to heal before I make a trip like that again!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
How are you???
Ok I think I am finally to the point where when someone asks "How are you?" or especially "How's the baby?" that I can say and talk about Beck without crying. It's such a weird thing when someone who doesn't know asks and I say that he passed away and then they look at me in shock and say I'm sorry...How are you suppose to respond? I usually mutter back "it's ok" or "thank you". What?! It's not ok and thank you??? come on! I guess Beck is ok now, he's not sick anymore and is at peace but it's still not ok...And "thank you" thank you for what, I don't know. I don't want Beck's death to be the elephant in the room and people scared to ask or talk about it because he deserves more than that.
So I've decided when someone asks and then says "I'm sorry"...I'm just going to say, "Thank you for asking about Beck, he was such a beautiful baby and we were blessed to have him. He was such a great boy and we had so much fun with him when he was here...Do you want to see pictures???" I want people to know Beck even though he's not here and not be sad but to see what joy he brought us. I want them to know how he truly touched so many while he was here and how he will continue to touch so many lives even though he is gone. Although it sucks and I miss him, I would do it all over again for Beck and I'm not going to talk about his life as a sad thing but as a positive and amazing blessing. So do you want to see a picture...
So I've decided when someone asks and then says "I'm sorry"...I'm just going to say, "Thank you for asking about Beck, he was such a beautiful baby and we were blessed to have him. He was such a great boy and we had so much fun with him when he was here...Do you want to see pictures???" I want people to know Beck even though he's not here and not be sad but to see what joy he brought us. I want them to know how he truly touched so many while he was here and how he will continue to touch so many lives even though he is gone. Although it sucks and I miss him, I would do it all over again for Beck and I'm not going to talk about his life as a sad thing but as a positive and amazing blessing. So do you want to see a picture...
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Beck's Memorial Service
So Forrest decided to make one more video...I don't know how he does it, they are amazing. He truly is a young (but cuter) Steven Speilberg! This is the video from Beck's memorial service...What an awesome celebration of love and life!!!
http://vimeo.com/5445409
Friday, July 3, 2009
Thoughts for today
As I sit in Beck's room, I wonder who will remember him in 5 years, no one will see him grow old and I hope that he will not be forgotten. So I decided that I want to keep his page running for years to come with not only the story of Beck and our life happenings from here on out, but of other people's stories as well. Maybe of how Beck has changed you or what advice you might give to someone else about raising a special needs child or advice for someone who lost a child or just life in general.
I know that I have learned so much about life through this experience...I have learned that life does not end, it just changes. Life will keep going regardless of your situation and you will keep going no matter what challenges you face. I now see Beck in everything I do, whether it's how I interact with someone or when I see a child with special needs...life just has a whole new meaning. I have also learned that when you don't think you can do something, you can. I don't think you are given more than you can handle and what doesn't kill you WILL make you stronger.
So please email me your stories, whether it's related to Beck or not. I would love to post them on this site and hopefully it can be a source of hope, light or guidance for someone in the future. I truly believe that we are all connected and sharing is a good and healing thing for everybody. My email is lpatterson24@gmail.com. I will post everything I get!
I know that I have learned so much about life through this experience...I have learned that life does not end, it just changes. Life will keep going regardless of your situation and you will keep going no matter what challenges you face. I now see Beck in everything I do, whether it's how I interact with someone or when I see a child with special needs...life just has a whole new meaning. I have also learned that when you don't think you can do something, you can. I don't think you are given more than you can handle and what doesn't kill you WILL make you stronger.
So please email me your stories, whether it's related to Beck or not. I would love to post them on this site and hopefully it can be a source of hope, light or guidance for someone in the future. I truly believe that we are all connected and sharing is a good and healing thing for everybody. My email is lpatterson24@gmail.com. I will post everything I get!
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Man do I miss Beck...I have not taken a single picture down since his funeral and I watch his videos everyday. When I watch them, it doesn't make me sad so much but happy because of all the love that he had and was given. I wish he were still here, but at the same time know that his quality of life would have not been good. In a way knowing this gives me peace that he did not have to struggle through life and he had the best life possible for the time he was here. Don't get me wrong, I would have loved to see him grow up and see what would have happened, but I know that he would never have been able to take care of himself. I have to remind myself that medical technology gave us 11 weeks with him, when nature would have taken him in days. I don't think I'll ever get over loosing him, but know I did everything I could for him.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Here's to you!!!
I just wanted to say thank you to everybody who came to show their support for our son Beck on Saturday. It was truly an amazing day, one that I will never forget! I'm posting my speech on Saturday in hopes that you will take a piece of Beck with you and never forget his short but big life. Also, Forrest and I made the last and final tribute to our son...You can view it at:
http://vimeo.com/5302074
Here's the speech...
"We just wanted to again thank everybody for coming to this celebration and service for our son Beck. As some of you might know, Forrest and I had a very difficult time getting pregnant, after doing fertility we finally found out that we were expecting. We were so elated and could not wait to meet our special little guy. We prepared his room, had many showers and read every book. However, no book could have prepared us for what was to come. The labor was long and complicated resulting in an emergency c-section. When Beck arrived he came out fighting for every breath, the cord was wrapped twice around his neck and was not crying. The after resitating him, we heard his beautiful cry and were so excited to finally meet him.
The doctors knew that something wasn’t right with Beck from the beginning and as you all know and what we would find out was that Beck was truly one of a kind. His chromosomal abnormalities were so rare that the geneticist said that she had not seen this in her 18 years of practice and that the chromosomal imbalance would eventually take his life. Beck stayed in the NICU for a month and had someone by his side almost every minute of everyday. Forrest, Beck and I were so blessed to have a family that gave everything they had to make sure he was not alone and was taken care of during his stay.
Once Beck was able to leave the NICU, Forrest and I decided from that moment on to live every minute for him and celebrate his precious time on this earth with such happiness and love knowing that he would eventually pass. He loved life and you could see and feel it when in his presence. He truly embodied what it was like to live life and experience it in its truest and most present form. Beck had SO much love from the second he was born, that he never saw the world as a place that was scary or violent, but only loving, kind and beautiful. We took him everywhere with us, whether it was out to eat at our favorite oak cliff restaurants, to the symphony with his neighbors, being there at aunt Janice and uncle Todd’s engagement, the arboretum with his friends, and being held and loved with so many different people he truly knew life.
Last week Beck had trouble breathing, Forrest and I took him to Children’s and they took x-rays and blood work and told us that Beck was very sick. They said that in order for him to survive he would need to be on a ventilator and have 50 tests and procedures run on him and even then he might not survive. He had been fighting so hard for a while and we knew it’s because he had so much determination to be here. We decided to that we didn’t want him in another hospital bed hooked up to machines and that we wanted to take him home where he would be comfortable and with his family.
Once we were home, I held him in his favorite chair surrounded by his favorite people and favorite things. We sang songs, told him we loved him, talked to him and cried with him. You could tell that he was tired from fighting and eventually with such beauty and grace and not pain or sorrow he passed away.
We feel So extremely blessed to have had the honor of being Beck’s parents…To have had the joy of knowing him, loving him and experiencing life with our Amazing superhero son. His presence has touched and changed us in a way that only few will ever know. Forrest and I will be better as a couple, as a friend and most of all better parents for the next children we will have. We will take nothing for granted because we will truly know and appreciate how precious life is and that health and each day is not something that is always guaranteed. Thank you Beck for finding us and blessing us with your being, we are forever grateful for you and not a day will go by that you will not be thought of or celebrated. We love you!!!"
Mommy and Daddy
http://vimeo.com/5302074
Here's the speech...
"We just wanted to again thank everybody for coming to this celebration and service for our son Beck. As some of you might know, Forrest and I had a very difficult time getting pregnant, after doing fertility we finally found out that we were expecting. We were so elated and could not wait to meet our special little guy. We prepared his room, had many showers and read every book. However, no book could have prepared us for what was to come. The labor was long and complicated resulting in an emergency c-section. When Beck arrived he came out fighting for every breath, the cord was wrapped twice around his neck and was not crying. The after resitating him, we heard his beautiful cry and were so excited to finally meet him.
The doctors knew that something wasn’t right with Beck from the beginning and as you all know and what we would find out was that Beck was truly one of a kind. His chromosomal abnormalities were so rare that the geneticist said that she had not seen this in her 18 years of practice and that the chromosomal imbalance would eventually take his life. Beck stayed in the NICU for a month and had someone by his side almost every minute of everyday. Forrest, Beck and I were so blessed to have a family that gave everything they had to make sure he was not alone and was taken care of during his stay.
Once Beck was able to leave the NICU, Forrest and I decided from that moment on to live every minute for him and celebrate his precious time on this earth with such happiness and love knowing that he would eventually pass. He loved life and you could see and feel it when in his presence. He truly embodied what it was like to live life and experience it in its truest and most present form. Beck had SO much love from the second he was born, that he never saw the world as a place that was scary or violent, but only loving, kind and beautiful. We took him everywhere with us, whether it was out to eat at our favorite oak cliff restaurants, to the symphony with his neighbors, being there at aunt Janice and uncle Todd’s engagement, the arboretum with his friends, and being held and loved with so many different people he truly knew life.
Last week Beck had trouble breathing, Forrest and I took him to Children’s and they took x-rays and blood work and told us that Beck was very sick. They said that in order for him to survive he would need to be on a ventilator and have 50 tests and procedures run on him and even then he might not survive. He had been fighting so hard for a while and we knew it’s because he had so much determination to be here. We decided to that we didn’t want him in another hospital bed hooked up to machines and that we wanted to take him home where he would be comfortable and with his family.
Once we were home, I held him in his favorite chair surrounded by his favorite people and favorite things. We sang songs, told him we loved him, talked to him and cried with him. You could tell that he was tired from fighting and eventually with such beauty and grace and not pain or sorrow he passed away.
We feel So extremely blessed to have had the honor of being Beck’s parents…To have had the joy of knowing him, loving him and experiencing life with our Amazing superhero son. His presence has touched and changed us in a way that only few will ever know. Forrest and I will be better as a couple, as a friend and most of all better parents for the next children we will have. We will take nothing for granted because we will truly know and appreciate how precious life is and that health and each day is not something that is always guaranteed. Thank you Beck for finding us and blessing us with your being, we are forever grateful for you and not a day will go by that you will not be thought of or celebrated. We love you!!!"
Mommy and Daddy
Monday, June 15, 2009
Our Sweet Sweet Beck!
I'm writing this with a heavy heart to let you know that our AMAZING boy Beck passed away peacefully and beautifully last Thursday night. He acquired a very bad respiratory infection which took him quickly and without pain. Forrest and I were able to bring him home from the hospital last night and let him pass at home. Surrounded by his loving family, he died in my arms with such bravery and grace. I was able to look into his eyes, tell him I love him and send him off into the universe with peace.
Beck was an amazing presence in our lives and had taught us more than we ever will know. He has made us stronger and touched so many people in his short time here. We were all blessed to know him.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Aunt Aleida's Visit!
Aunt Aleida came and visited Beck this weekend! We had such a fun time...we went and ate Thai food which was interesting. Beck, Forrest and I bet Aleida $100 she would not eat the hot chili peppers that the thai waiter said he wouldn't even do and she did it! She paid for it later in the bathroom, but it was totally amazing to watch. Sunday the four of us hung out in the bed all morning long and got some great pictures! That afternoon, Forrest and Beck got to spend some Daddy time while Aleida, Kristen and I went to a Korean bath house. We got to relax in hot tubs and hot saunas for 5 hours, it was the most relaxing day! Thanks for coming to visit Aunt Aleida, Beck says he misses you already!
Things Beck did this week
We have had a busy last 7 days! Beck went to the symphony with all his neighbors on Salmon Dr, he had a brunch with MeeMaw and all her friends (grandpa erased the pictures), he went the arboritum with his Aunt Katie and girlfriends Campbell and Reese, and yesterday he hung out with his two Best Baby buds Lily and Sam. Here are some pictures from his outings:
Beck and Mommy
Campbell, Reese and Beck on the Blanket
Laine and Beck
Beck hearts Lily
Beck and his Buds Sam and Lily!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Beck's hearing Stuff continues...
Beck had another hearing appointment with the ENT on Monday. They want to do an MRI to find out exactly where the hearing loss is coming from. The doctor told me that if it's just his inner ear hair cells then hearing aides will work. If there's something wrong with his brainstem then it is going to be more difficult and there is not much they can do. So please cross your fingers, pray, send positive thoughts that it's just his ear cells and nothing else...I need a good test to come for once!
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